I should probably talk about what I learned from blogging thirty consecutive days in a row, but I didn't make a list of things that I'm thankful for on Thanksgiving day, and the same rebellious streak that kept me from it then demands that I resist the obvious topic now.
Today is also my last day to write something awesome about my dog and try to win handmade treats for her. I love my dog, and she loves treats, but it simply isn't going to happen today. I'm tired! My mind is barren and empty! I can hardly conjugate verbs, much less write the Ode to a Flighty Retriever that I had in mind.
I went to the dentist today for the first time in two years. In the past, my dentist has behaved like a pirate, leading me to distrust everyone who works with teeth. I had expected to garner a lot of vitreous material to put into my last post of the month. I saw a new dentist, though, and he was great. The technicians didn't try to talk to me when they had their hands in my mouth, he didn't ask me what my favourite subject is in school, I wasn't scolded for my spotty flossing habits, and they didn't even make me brush with fluoride. It was surprising and pleasing. Also, I don't have any cavities or gum cancer or other nasty tooth diseases. I didn't expect any problems, but I've never had a cavity and so am paranoid that I might get one and not recognize the feeling.
Two especially awesome moments:
1. Watching Blues Clues play silently on the ceiling TV while a technician scraped plaque from my molars and the Scissor Sisters' I Don't Feel Like Dancing played on the radio. Surreal.
2. Having the dentist tell me that my teeth are superhuman. What he said, exactly, was, "I'll have a heart attack if we find any cavities." Then the technician said, "I think we'll all have heart attacks if you find any cavities." "Yes. Her teeth are superhuman," the doctor said. Then he invited me to join them in admiring my x-rays.
Superhuman teeth! I was delighted.
Showing posts with label nablopomo. Show all posts
Showing posts with label nablopomo. Show all posts
Thursday, November 30, 2006
Wednesday, November 29, 2006
29: some thoughts on falling
Is it deceitful to delete posts? I think it is, a little; it's very totalitarian, very 1984, erasing small bits of personal history that I had let slip through the radar. It is also completely justifiable and necessary. My self control falters when I have not slept; I can be prone to a despairing sort of drama that borders on martyrdom. It's a habit I am trying to break. And it isn't as if blogging is objective, anyway. Rewriting history is perfectly permissible on the internet, to a degree, because we are all doing it to begin with: editing and pruning and rearranging and interpreting our lives in a very subjective, very audience-oriented manner.
This NaBloPoMo experiment has filled me with despair over how dull I am. I can't think of a single thing to follow that up with. Except, perhaps, for this terrifying story:
On Monday night I dropped my laptop down a flight of stairs.
Do you understand the horror of this? I will repeat it, with emphasis, and you can imagine me shuddering and cringing and weeping my way through the sentence: On Monday night I dropped my laptop down a flight of stairs. I was carrying it from the upstairs TV room back down to my lair when I tripped over a pile of my brother's shoes. Instinct took hold: I let go of the computer and grabbed at railings to keep myself from falling. It's curious how poetic falls are, how definitely time seems to slow and sharpen, every movement yawning and dramatic. It's something I notice whenever I fall down -- which is, I'm afraid, rather ridiculously often -- and it was curious to find the phenomenon as present in the falling of things as with bodies. I remember thinking that as I listened to the awful cracks it made as it hit the stairs: how odd that time would elongate for a machine.
It survived with no damage, as far as I can tell, which is miraculous, but I am no less traumatized for this piece of luck. I dropped my computer down the stairs. Just thinking it makes me feel dizzy and ill.
This NaBloPoMo experiment has filled me with despair over how dull I am. I can't think of a single thing to follow that up with. Except, perhaps, for this terrifying story:
On Monday night I dropped my laptop down a flight of stairs.
Do you understand the horror of this? I will repeat it, with emphasis, and you can imagine me shuddering and cringing and weeping my way through the sentence: On Monday night I dropped my laptop down a flight of stairs. I was carrying it from the upstairs TV room back down to my lair when I tripped over a pile of my brother's shoes. Instinct took hold: I let go of the computer and grabbed at railings to keep myself from falling. It's curious how poetic falls are, how definitely time seems to slow and sharpen, every movement yawning and dramatic. It's something I notice whenever I fall down -- which is, I'm afraid, rather ridiculously often -- and it was curious to find the phenomenon as present in the falling of things as with bodies. I remember thinking that as I listened to the awful cracks it made as it hit the stairs: how odd that time would elongate for a machine.
It survived with no damage, as far as I can tell, which is miraculous, but I am no less traumatized for this piece of luck. I dropped my computer down the stairs. Just thinking it makes me feel dizzy and ill.
Monday, November 27, 2006
27: in which youtube threatens to eat my life
I am posting now instead of later because my head hurts. I'm already incoherent and it will only get worse as the day drags on.
I hate reading about TV on others' blogs, and I don't plan to write about it again, but here are the shows I watch, with reasons, because my life is so bleak and empty that I am reduced to discussing my media consumption.
I like Law and Order SVU for the two main detectives. I've watched too many. I can usually predict how the episode will play out after the first ten or fifteen minutes, but the plots hardly matter. The show appeals to me because things are almost always okay in the end: the bad guys are nabbed and the victims -- at least the ones who are alive -- are offered a chance for peace. Also, Christopher Melloni is hot.
I watch House because he is such a perfect anti-hero. Such a bastard, but also endearingly flawed, and so brilliant! As a confirmed hypochondriac, I like medical shows in general, and House is just intelligent enough that I can pretend that all the TV is not rotting my brain. Also, Hugh Laurie is hot.
I'm a little ashamed by my devotion to Project Runway. It is unabashedly shallow, but one of my closest friends and I always watched it together when I was still at school, so I am very emotionally attached to it. Also, Tim Gunn is hot. Well, no, he's not really, but he is smart and positive and gives the show a much-needed shot of calmness and practicality to counteract the drama.
I loved Six Feet Under and miss it very much now that I've seen (almost) all of it. My parents and I watched it together, and for a long time it was the center of many dinnertime conversations. We talked about the characters as if we knew them, which may actually be part of why my younger brother hates to dine with us. I never actually found any of the characters especially physically attractive, but they are all very interesting.
The true inspiration for this post was the discovery of entire episodes of Law and Order on youtube. This is a huge threat to my chances of ever sleeping like a normal person. I can watch TV from bed! All night long! Until now, I had only used youtube for watching the occasional music video or Eddie Izzard clip, but I am getting a glimpse of its endless possibilities for distraction and time-eating. I have only my well-honed multi-tasking abilities to save me: at least I can mess with photoshop or draw birds or knit while watching TV on my computer. Theoretically.
I hate reading about TV on others' blogs, and I don't plan to write about it again, but here are the shows I watch, with reasons, because my life is so bleak and empty that I am reduced to discussing my media consumption.
I like Law and Order SVU for the two main detectives. I've watched too many. I can usually predict how the episode will play out after the first ten or fifteen minutes, but the plots hardly matter. The show appeals to me because things are almost always okay in the end: the bad guys are nabbed and the victims -- at least the ones who are alive -- are offered a chance for peace. Also, Christopher Melloni is hot.
I watch House because he is such a perfect anti-hero. Such a bastard, but also endearingly flawed, and so brilliant! As a confirmed hypochondriac, I like medical shows in general, and House is just intelligent enough that I can pretend that all the TV is not rotting my brain. Also, Hugh Laurie is hot.
I'm a little ashamed by my devotion to Project Runway. It is unabashedly shallow, but one of my closest friends and I always watched it together when I was still at school, so I am very emotionally attached to it. Also, Tim Gunn is hot. Well, no, he's not really, but he is smart and positive and gives the show a much-needed shot of calmness and practicality to counteract the drama.
I loved Six Feet Under and miss it very much now that I've seen (almost) all of it. My parents and I watched it together, and for a long time it was the center of many dinnertime conversations. We talked about the characters as if we knew them, which may actually be part of why my younger brother hates to dine with us. I never actually found any of the characters especially physically attractive, but they are all very interesting.
The true inspiration for this post was the discovery of entire episodes of Law and Order on youtube. This is a huge threat to my chances of ever sleeping like a normal person. I can watch TV from bed! All night long! Until now, I had only used youtube for watching the occasional music video or Eddie Izzard clip, but I am getting a glimpse of its endless possibilities for distraction and time-eating. I have only my well-honed multi-tasking abilities to save me: at least I can mess with photoshop or draw birds or knit while watching TV on my computer. Theoretically.
Sunday, November 26, 2006
26: things that I do not like: an incomplete list
I am having an exceptionally grouchy week, so I'm going to indulge myself in a companion list to things that I like. I will limit it to fourteen because if these were ordered in order of favourites then symmetry would be very near the top of my good things list.
- movies about inspirational teachers and/or sports coaches who transform a group of delinquents through idealism and good example
- when it rains so much in the bay area that all of the small animals, the snails and the worms, think it's alright to cavort on the sidewalks and are crushed by careless people who don't look down when they walk
- doctors who do not read your chart before coming in to examine you
- tourists, especially the obnoxious ones who take pictures in churches and museums and only eat at restaurants with bilingual menus and never allow themselves to get lost
- the colour orange
- when students refuse to examine a work of literature within its historical context
- group therapy
- theater students, specifically the ones who come by my desk at work with impossible demands and then throw tantrums when I can't help them
- when some people borrow my car and don't clean up their papers and wrappers and empty coffee cups
- the wind in wyoming, and how it can get so viciously cold that it freezes your bones and makes you feel like you'll never be warm again
- Thomas Kincaid
- people who do not use turn signals with the same religious zeal that I do
- signs and brand names that use intentional misspellings ("kopy korner," "buy rite," "sav-on")
- insomnia
Saturday, November 25, 2006
25: darlin' don't you go and cut your hair
I hate the song that I took my subject line from, but I wish that someone had given me that advice a month ago. I chopped off my braids -- two braids that I had wrapped around my head in the look that I used to call the bohemian hobo -- with my tiny pocketknife scissors. I was in Siena, on the sunny stairs that lead up a hill towards the house of St. Catherine. I used my shadow as a mirror and when I was done I held my braids in my lap and wept. Tourists stared at me and edged by. No one stopped or spoke.
It was a mistake, a fit of madness, not something I ever would have done if I had been thinking clearly. I miss it: when I was little all I wanted was long hair. I begged my mother to let me grow it, and finally, when I hit third grade, she agreed. It took several years to inch its way out of the straight-banged, boyish bowl-cut that my parents kept on me. As it grew it darkened from dishwater to auburn to dark brown. I later spent a year being quite bitter that I hadn't stayed at the cusp of blonde, but that was a manageable disappointment; I had my long hair and that was good enough.
I'm not pretty. My hair was my best feature, and everyone admired it. When I was bored I would experiment with elaborate styling: the Holly Golightly romantic upsweep, Mary Pickford sausage locks, Scarlett O'Hara southern belle curls, the aforementioned bohemian hobo, french braids, even the gibson girl bouffant. Of course this all took work. Most off the time I did ponytails, buns, or clips backswept from my face. It was always lovely, though.
The bay area made it frizzy, but at home in the midwest it was always straight. Always thick, but always straight. After the hospital, in the months before I turned twenty, it started to curl. It never got to the point of being truly curly, but the slightest change or provocation would induce ringlets or locks.
Now it's just a few inches beneath my ears. I would have bobbed it, but it's too thick. It looks a bit like Colette's did right after she cut off her long hair, which is nicely literary but still not comforting. Right now it's at one of those awkward lengths, but I don't want to cut it shorter because then it would take even longer to grow. I might be able to reconcile myself with the change if it weren't so boring. I can't do anything with it! I can't stand hair in my face, so leaving it down is not an option. I am forced to rely on hats, bobby pins, or two small pigtails. And I hate it. I keep trying to think of something interesting to do. An end-flip, fingerwaves, pincurls, rag-curls? And how will I have it cut when it gets a little longer? Maybe I should dye it while it's short, but I'm afraid I would have to bleach it first to get any effect at all, and that's just out of the question. I hate the reverse-skunk look of dark roots on bleached hair.
Short hair is much more complicated and difficult than long hair was. Everyone says it's the opposite, but I'm not finding it to be so at all.
It was a mistake, a fit of madness, not something I ever would have done if I had been thinking clearly. I miss it: when I was little all I wanted was long hair. I begged my mother to let me grow it, and finally, when I hit third grade, she agreed. It took several years to inch its way out of the straight-banged, boyish bowl-cut that my parents kept on me. As it grew it darkened from dishwater to auburn to dark brown. I later spent a year being quite bitter that I hadn't stayed at the cusp of blonde, but that was a manageable disappointment; I had my long hair and that was good enough.
I'm not pretty. My hair was my best feature, and everyone admired it. When I was bored I would experiment with elaborate styling: the Holly Golightly romantic upsweep, Mary Pickford sausage locks, Scarlett O'Hara southern belle curls, the aforementioned bohemian hobo, french braids, even the gibson girl bouffant. Of course this all took work. Most off the time I did ponytails, buns, or clips backswept from my face. It was always lovely, though.
The bay area made it frizzy, but at home in the midwest it was always straight. Always thick, but always straight. After the hospital, in the months before I turned twenty, it started to curl. It never got to the point of being truly curly, but the slightest change or provocation would induce ringlets or locks.
Now it's just a few inches beneath my ears. I would have bobbed it, but it's too thick. It looks a bit like Colette's did right after she cut off her long hair, which is nicely literary but still not comforting. Right now it's at one of those awkward lengths, but I don't want to cut it shorter because then it would take even longer to grow. I might be able to reconcile myself with the change if it weren't so boring. I can't do anything with it! I can't stand hair in my face, so leaving it down is not an option. I am forced to rely on hats, bobby pins, or two small pigtails. And I hate it. I keep trying to think of something interesting to do. An end-flip, fingerwaves, pincurls, rag-curls? And how will I have it cut when it gets a little longer? Maybe I should dye it while it's short, but I'm afraid I would have to bleach it first to get any effect at all, and that's just out of the question. I hate the reverse-skunk look of dark roots on bleached hair.
Short hair is much more complicated and difficult than long hair was. Everyone says it's the opposite, but I'm not finding it to be so at all.
Friday, November 24, 2006
24: on being twenty
Since turning twenty I have:
p.s. Nablopomo is finally defeating me. Can't. Sentence. Properly. Maybe tomorrow I'll just post something from a notebook that I've already written.
- lost one friend, alienated several others, and ruined a several-year relationship with The (Ex) Boy -- who I will never mention here again at the fear of being dooced -- all through my own stupidity and destructive behavior
- defeated my internet addiction (I'm only on all of the time now because I haven't got anything else to do)
- bought a new fish to replace my last one, Laertes, who I killed in a tragic accident with a bathroom sink
- written most of a book
- run away to europe for two months. paid for it all myself. survived. thrived.
- cut off over a foot of hair
- read maybe fifty books (I do not have my book journal at work with me and so do not have the exact number)
- decided to go back to school
- did I mention EUROPE? Eight foreign countries? Feeding myself, navigating twisty streets and train stations, fending off amorous frenchmen? Surviving in Paris alone despite not speaking french and being terrified out of my mind?
- forcibly asserted my independence from the family
- changed
p.s. Nablopomo is finally defeating me. Can't. Sentence. Properly. Maybe tomorrow I'll just post something from a notebook that I've already written.
Thursday, November 23, 2006
23: homesick
Sometimes I'm homesick -- physically homesick, bone-achingly -- for a place that I haven't found yet.
Wednesday, November 22, 2006
22: my mind is molasses
First: my dysentery has eased away and my CAT scan was clear. Thank you to everyone who left best wishes, etc. I still feel ill, but it's manageable, and I came to work anyway. I can only hope that this is an end to my health-woe blogging.
Um. Um. Ummm. This is the sound of me having nothing to say. Is anyone else getting sick of me talking about books or school? 'Cause I'm quite bored with the subjects myself. I think I talk and think more about school when I am not in it than when I am, and I have obsessed about it this month because I had to decide whether or not I was going to go back. Last Friday I finally decided to return. It seems like an obvious decision now that I have made it, but for many months I have been working under the assumption that I will live the rest of my life as a college drop out. I think I'm happy with my decision, although I am dissatisfied with some of the conditions for my return that my parents have set out.
On Mrs. Chili's suggestion, I made a trip to STAPLES!* to get dry-erase markers. They write very nicely on my mirror! I have put up Percy Shelley's** "Ode to the West Wind." I spent a while this afternoon trying to take a picture with vague ideas of posting it -- to, I don't know, show off my handwriting? -- but I discovered that I couldn't get a picture of my bedroom mirror without showing my bed, which currently has thirty four books piled upon one side, or myself. It does look very nice, though, and I am incredibly pleased with the outcome!
*I call it "STAPLES!" and not "Staples" to emphasize how much I love it! It recently opened in my home town and it is easily the best of the numerous new businesses that we've been getting. I have to leave my cards at home and only bring limited amounts of money, though, because in addition to my book buying problem I find it difficult to resist the seductive call of pens and paper.
**It breaks my heart how overlooked Percy Shelley is. Maybe this is just a symptom of my women's college, where female authors are venerated and held above their male contemporaries and family members? Because at school it's all, "Mary, Mary, Mary!" Dear Percy gets no love! And he should! Some of his poetry is sappy and awful, and "Ozymandias" is as overrated as Frankenstein, but I firmly believe that "Ode to the West Wind" contends with "Ode to a Nightingale" for the title of the best poem to come out of the Romantic movement. And it's probably on my list of "Best Poems in the English Language." Plus, Shelley's death is even more tragic and romantic than Keats' was. What's not to love?
Um. Um. Ummm. This is the sound of me having nothing to say. Is anyone else getting sick of me talking about books or school? 'Cause I'm quite bored with the subjects myself. I think I talk and think more about school when I am not in it than when I am, and I have obsessed about it this month because I had to decide whether or not I was going to go back. Last Friday I finally decided to return. It seems like an obvious decision now that I have made it, but for many months I have been working under the assumption that I will live the rest of my life as a college drop out. I think I'm happy with my decision, although I am dissatisfied with some of the conditions for my return that my parents have set out.
On Mrs. Chili's suggestion, I made a trip to STAPLES!* to get dry-erase markers. They write very nicely on my mirror! I have put up Percy Shelley's** "Ode to the West Wind." I spent a while this afternoon trying to take a picture with vague ideas of posting it -- to, I don't know, show off my handwriting? -- but I discovered that I couldn't get a picture of my bedroom mirror without showing my bed, which currently has thirty four books piled upon one side, or myself. It does look very nice, though, and I am incredibly pleased with the outcome!
*I call it "STAPLES!" and not "Staples" to emphasize how much I love it! It recently opened in my home town and it is easily the best of the numerous new businesses that we've been getting. I have to leave my cards at home and only bring limited amounts of money, though, because in addition to my book buying problem I find it difficult to resist the seductive call of pens and paper.
**It breaks my heart how overlooked Percy Shelley is. Maybe this is just a symptom of my women's college, where female authors are venerated and held above their male contemporaries and family members? Because at school it's all, "Mary, Mary, Mary!" Dear Percy gets no love! And he should! Some of his poetry is sappy and awful, and "Ozymandias" is as overrated as Frankenstein, but I firmly believe that "Ode to the West Wind" contends with "Ode to a Nightingale" for the title of the best poem to come out of the Romantic movement. And it's probably on my list of "Best Poems in the English Language." Plus, Shelley's death is even more tragic and romantic than Keats' was. What's not to love?
Tuesday, November 21, 2006
21: hysterical hypochondriosis
I'll say this first: I would not blog today if not for my determination to finish this nablopomo monster. I would not have made any of my last, oh, week of entries. I despise complaining and flaunting my neuroses. It's just that I am so very neurotic. And hypochondriac. And sick. My God, so sick.
By the end of page eleven I had become so convinced that I'd contracted dysentery that I almost did not finish The Essay. I'm pretty sure it's just the second nastiest drug withdrawal of my life -- and just because I forgot to take those hateful pills a few nights in a row! -- but I am awfully ill, and it took all my willpower to keep from dropping everything and scouring the internet for potential diseases to explain it all. Dysentery fits. I mean, so does lamictal withdrawal, but I'm not feeling particularly logical. I just wrote the worst essay of my life, so bad that it made me cry to send it out. I can't forgive myself for that, and I can't be logical right now.
I'm officially not getting out of bed tomorrow. Unless I am still as sick as I am now. If that happens I am going to the doctor, no matter what.
Anyway, here is Sylvia's Fever 103. Because I have one too, and nothing will convince me that this is not the most perfect way to describe that curious feverish mind-glow, which is like lightbulbs and incandescence and feathers, yes, feathers -- oh, but she catches it better:
By the end of page eleven I had become so convinced that I'd contracted dysentery that I almost did not finish The Essay. I'm pretty sure it's just the second nastiest drug withdrawal of my life -- and just because I forgot to take those hateful pills a few nights in a row! -- but I am awfully ill, and it took all my willpower to keep from dropping everything and scouring the internet for potential diseases to explain it all. Dysentery fits. I mean, so does lamictal withdrawal, but I'm not feeling particularly logical. I just wrote the worst essay of my life, so bad that it made me cry to send it out. I can't forgive myself for that, and I can't be logical right now.
I'm officially not getting out of bed tomorrow. Unless I am still as sick as I am now. If that happens I am going to the doctor, no matter what.
Anyway, here is Sylvia's Fever 103. Because I have one too, and nothing will convince me that this is not the most perfect way to describe that curious feverish mind-glow, which is like lightbulbs and incandescence and feathers, yes, feathers -- oh, but she catches it better:
My head a moon
Of Japanese paper, my gold beaten skin
Infinitely delicate and infinitely expensive.Does not my heat astound you. And my light.
All by myself I am a huge camellia
Glowing and coming and going, flush on flush.
Monday, November 20, 2006
20: excuses made to my conscience
I didn't finish The Essay last night. But that is only because I remembered that I had to work this morning. I don't think I have ever mentioned my job here before, with good reason: it's boring, unfulfilling, and completley meaningless in the larger scope of my life. I'm a weekend, evening, and holiday receptionist at the local community college, which means that I have developed an excellent phone voice and have come up with dozens of polite ways to inform people that I can't help them, and no, there's nobody who can because it's nine PM on a Friday night before a holiday weekend and all of the professors are at home. Because my job could be done by a machine, I usually do not need to be alert or intelligent in any sense of the words. I regularly come to work half asleep and sick and manage just fine. Most times I don't even have to look particularly nice, since the only people who see me are the security officers and the basketball players. The most challenging part of the job is maintaining the strength of will to sit behind a desk for nine hours at a time without losing hold of my sanity. Today, however, I'm temping for the usual secretary, so I actually had to do challenging and unthinkable things like brush my hair, dress nicely, sleep, and eat before coming to work.
So clearly I couldn't stay up all night finishing The Essay. I'm doing it now, and will have it done by tonight. Then I'll be able to watch House, M.D. and read Dostoyevsky all night without guilt. I remind myself of this every time I feel my resolve failing and my hatred of this paper mounting.
So clearly I couldn't stay up all night finishing The Essay. I'm doing it now, and will have it done by tonight. Then I'll be able to watch House, M.D. and read Dostoyevsky all night without guilt. I remind myself of this every time I feel my resolve failing and my hatred of this paper mounting.
Sunday, November 19, 2006
19.2: also, a short letter
Dear Universe,
Please smite me if I do not finish The Essay tonight.
Respectfully,
feather
p.s. "Tonight" is defined as "the period of time before I go to sleep," not "before midnight."
p.p.s. I'll have you know that it is very difficult for me to make this sort of commitment in writing because I am having the urge to drink too much alcohol and go on a drunken meander through Russian literature. Or at least read Crime and Punishment all night, starting right now and going until I finish or until 8 AM, whichever comes first. I'm feeling very hateful towards you, Universe, and also towards H.D. This does not bode well for the cohesion of the essay, since I was kindly, almost fond, towards her when I began.
Please smite me if I do not finish The Essay tonight.
Respectfully,
feather
p.s. "Tonight" is defined as "the period of time before I go to sleep," not "before midnight."
p.p.s. I'll have you know that it is very difficult for me to make this sort of commitment in writing because I am having the urge to drink too much alcohol and go on a drunken meander through Russian literature. Or at least read Crime and Punishment all night, starting right now and going until I finish or until 8 AM, whichever comes first. I'm feeling very hateful towards you, Universe, and also towards H.D. This does not bode well for the cohesion of the essay, since I was kindly, almost fond, towards her when I began.
19: one poem I wish had been written for me
No Te Amo
by Pablo Neruda
No te amo como si fueras rosa de sal, topacio
o flecha de claveles que propagan el fuego:
te amo como se aman ciertas cosas oscuras,
secretamente, entre la sombra y el alma.
Te amo como la planta que no florece y lleva
dentro de sí, escondida, la luz de aquellas flores,
y gracias a tu amor vive oscuro en mi cuerpo
el apretado aroma que ascendió de la tierra.
Te amo sin saber cómo, ni cuándo, ni de dónde,
te amo directamente sin problemas ni orgullo:
así te amo porque no sé amar de otra manera,
Sino así de este modo en que no soy ni eres,
tan cerca que tu mano sobre mi pecho es mía,
tan cerca que se cierran tus ojos con mi sueño.
I Do Not Love You
by Pablo Neruda, trans. unknown
I do not love you as if you were salt-rose, or topaz,
or the arrow of carnations the fire shoots off.
I love you as certain dark things are to be loved,
in secret, between the shadow and the soul.
I love you as the plant that never blooms
but carries in itself the light of hidden flowers;
thanks to your love a certain solid fragrance,
risen from the earth, lives darkly in my body.
I love you without knowing how, or when, or from where.
I love you straightforwardly, without complexities or pride;
so I love you because I know no other way
than this: where I does not exist, nor you,
so close that your hand on my chest is my hand,
so close that your eyes close as I fall asleep.
by Pablo Neruda
No te amo como si fueras rosa de sal, topacio
o flecha de claveles que propagan el fuego:
te amo como se aman ciertas cosas oscuras,
secretamente, entre la sombra y el alma.
Te amo como la planta que no florece y lleva
dentro de sí, escondida, la luz de aquellas flores,
y gracias a tu amor vive oscuro en mi cuerpo
el apretado aroma que ascendió de la tierra.
Te amo sin saber cómo, ni cuándo, ni de dónde,
te amo directamente sin problemas ni orgullo:
así te amo porque no sé amar de otra manera,
Sino así de este modo en que no soy ni eres,
tan cerca que tu mano sobre mi pecho es mía,
tan cerca que se cierran tus ojos con mi sueño.
I Do Not Love You
by Pablo Neruda, trans. unknown
I do not love you as if you were salt-rose, or topaz,
or the arrow of carnations the fire shoots off.
I love you as certain dark things are to be loved,
in secret, between the shadow and the soul.
I love you as the plant that never blooms
but carries in itself the light of hidden flowers;
thanks to your love a certain solid fragrance,
risen from the earth, lives darkly in my body.
I love you without knowing how, or when, or from where.
I love you straightforwardly, without complexities or pride;
so I love you because I know no other way
than this: where I does not exist, nor you,
so close that your hand on my chest is my hand,
so close that your eyes close as I fall asleep.
Saturday, November 18, 2006
18: books read and unread
Two things of great excitement: clearing out my "currently reading" list and figuring out how to add chunks of text to my sidebar. This is a fabulous way for me to look at quotes and poetry that I really like. (Related-but-not-really: does anyone know something that can write on mirrors but also washes off really well after some time has passed? I want to write poems on my bedroom and bathroom mirrors to aid in memorization. And because it's the next best thing to writing them on my walls.)
This week hasn't been all doctor visits and days in bed! Okay, well, it sort of has, but somehow I've also managed to finish a load of books and get halfway through two new ones. I didn't even a chance to add the books on William Carlos Williams and H.D. that I read before finishing them. They were for school, kind of, and I don't know anyone who wants to hear reviews of literary criticism, so I won't bother with that.
Some notes on books finished and reading:
This week hasn't been all doctor visits and days in bed! Okay, well, it sort of has, but somehow I've also managed to finish a load of books and get halfway through two new ones. I didn't even a chance to add the books on William Carlos Williams and H.D. that I read before finishing them. They were for school, kind of, and I don't know anyone who wants to hear reviews of literary criticism, so I won't bother with that.
Some notes on books finished and reading:
- For the sake of honesty, I feel like I should note that I didn't actually finish Midnight's Children or An Unquiet Mind. I will finish the Rushdie another time -- I love him, but I think he's one of those authors for me that I can only read at wide-spaced intervals to appreciate, and apparently three of his books in seven months is not giving enough time in between -- but I am done with An Unquiet Mind. It's a self-described "memoir of madness" (I'll talk another time about the problematic semantics of using the word "madness" to describe mental illness), which means that it is exactly like the other dozen autobiographies of mental illness that I've read. Because Kay Jamison has a PhD in psychology and specializes in bipolar disorder, I had hoped that it would be more insightful, but it followed the exact same formula as all of the others: idyllic childhood full of promise or, more rarely, hellish family life and abuse; stirrings of problems in mid to late adolescence; descent into illness that might include drugs, promiscuity, very stupid life decisions, financial ruin, estrangement from friends and family, or refusal to work with doctors; eventual culmination in suicide attempts which, in turn, lead to realization that life is beautiful and worth living, something that inevitably occurs while struggling in the death-grip of the drugs (because they are always drugs for women); and a conclusion that involves fervent commitment to drugs and therapy and the promise that everything is going to be all right even if it's still tough right now. I didn't need to read the last section of the book to know that the ending would be just like this, except probably with a bit of preaching about how people who suffer from bipolar disorder are more creative and brilliant than mere mortals.
- So far I am really enjoying both The Tin Drum and Miss Smilla's Feeling for Snow, though I'm worried that I'm starting to stall on both of them.
- I will probably be reading The Fall of Berlin until Christmas or some other comparably distant point in the future. I'm not enjoying it: it's brutal and confusing, and I feel like I need to have a huge military map of East Germany and Russia just to be able to understand all of the movement of troops and the battles. But I'm not reading it for fun. It's research, and it's important, so I'll keep at it, even if I can only read about fifteen pages at a time before having to stop and try to figure out which Field Marshall is which, and why does Stalin like this guy so much anyway when he hates everyone else?
- The Art Spirit, Robert Henri -- My favourite uncle gave this to me after listening patiently to my ecstatic descriptions of The Dehumanization of Art by Ortega y Gasset. I want to read this one as soon as possible, since it is so rude to leave gifts languishing on shelves.
- Hard-Boiled Wonderland and the End of the World, Haruki Murakami -- I got this book from a friend exactly a year ago. I gave her Lolita in return. She took my Nabokov with her to Europe and read it in cafes in Paris, but I still haven't read her Murakami. This must be remedied! (Though I did at least read Kafka on the Shore, so at least we got to have some conversation about his style.) She's in Israel now, and I need to read this book so I'll at least have something to write about in my next letter.
- The Crying of Lot 49, Thomas Pynchon -- I haven't had this one for very long. I just really want to read it.
- The Adventures of Augie March, Saul Bellow -- This is a beautiful hardcover that I bought at a used book sale for a dollar. I predict that out of all these books, it is most likely to be the downfall of this challenge. It looks like a stab at the Great American Novel. And I am really not interested in the Great American Novel right now. Also, it's really long, and I can clearly foresee my reading-blocked mind floundering and stagnating once I hit the 300 page mark. But he won a Nobel, and I've been trying to read at least one book by all of the Nobel laureates. I should probably read Humbolt's Gift instead, since it also won the Pulitzer I think, but this is the one I have.
- Still Life, A. S. Byatt -- Out of all the books on this list, I've had this one on my shelf for the longest. I bought it just after I read Possession, which was, um, almost six years ago. I loved Possession, and I can't remember why I haven't read any of Byatt's other books. Also, I realize now that the main character is a Wordsworth scholar, which just thrills me. Wordsworth is one of my ex dead poet boyfriends. (These days he's been replaced by Rilke, but I still love him anyway.)
Friday, November 17, 2006
17: there will be no fifteen
Those headaches I get? I've got one today, or I will soon. I can feel it starting to coil around my brain in that delicate sneaking way. So I am not writing my Friday bit of multiples-of-five nostalgia. Fifteen was an awful year anyway, and it's better not to think about it extensively, much less inflict it on the faceless internet audience. I can summarize it in a six word story: Bad doctors. Bad medications. Everybody suffers.
I'm going to take lots of painkillers and go to bed. I have to work tonight.
I'm going to take lots of painkillers and go to bed. I have to work tonight.
Thursday, November 16, 2006
16.2: dye in the veins
I wasn't sure until I arrived at the hospital this morning whether I was having a CAT scan or a MRI. I was secretly hoping for the latter: I think hard about poetry whenever I am in particularly upsetting situations, and I specifically planned to recite T.S. Eliot or Keats to myself while being rolled through the tube. I was looking forward to asking the technician which areas of my brain lit up for "Ode to a Nightingale." I don't believe CAT scans have this thrilling advantage. They are, however, excellent for locating brain tumors, which was why I was there.
(I refuse to think about the possibility of a brain tumor. My doctor is really just being thorough, ruling out possibilities: she wants to be sure that nothing life-threatening is going on in my head before diagnosing me with migraines. The flashes of light, the dizziness, and the curious numbnesses of my hands that sometimes strike all at once in nauseating force might also be related to my medications; after all, one of them is also used for treating epilepsy, and could conceivably cause this occasional reaction. I refuse to consider elsewise right now. If I start down that path I will do nothing but worry about it, I will sleep even less than I already do. It is not a possibility. It would be too absurdly ironic: survive a suicide attempt only to be diagnosed with a brain tumor just after being to Venice and realizing that life is beautiful after all! These things only happen in books.)
They had to give me an IV to insert dye into my veins. This upset me more than I thought it would. I should not be bothered by needles after having blood drawn 2-4 times a day for several straight weeks, but something about lying on my back with a hospital bracelet and an IV and a blanket that smelled of disinfectant made me panicky and teary. I could feel my face taking on the distinctly hospital expression: taught mouth, eyebrows frozen into anxious furrows; my eyes surely betraying the submissive fear that overtakes me, the dual resignment to and revulsion of being touched and poked and treated without a word of explanation. This nurse was kind to me: she held my hand for as long as she could until the machine drew me in too far for her to reach. The nurses are always so nice to me, but this time her kindness just upset me more: it reminded me of the nurses in Oakland, reminded me of my failure to ask for their names. They were so generous, so comforting, and I never learned their names. I like to think that I recorded my experience with faithful detail, but whenever I go back to hospitals I am haunted by the things I forgot to write down. I tried to notice as many details about this new scan as I could -- I will always regret, in a very small way, that I was too sick to notice the machinery and the procedure and the sensation of chest X-rays -- but I was afraid that I would move my head without thinking. My heart aches and a drowsy numbness dulls! my sense as though of hemlock I had drunk! I thought fiercely. I could see my face reflected in the glass band that covered the scanning machinery. It was widened, distorted, ghostly. I closed my eyes tightly and made sure to hold my head as stiffly as I could. Thou wast not born for death, immortal Bird!
Sometimes I think poetry is the only thing that preserves my sanity.
(I refuse to think about the possibility of a brain tumor. My doctor is really just being thorough, ruling out possibilities: she wants to be sure that nothing life-threatening is going on in my head before diagnosing me with migraines. The flashes of light, the dizziness, and the curious numbnesses of my hands that sometimes strike all at once in nauseating force might also be related to my medications; after all, one of them is also used for treating epilepsy, and could conceivably cause this occasional reaction. I refuse to consider elsewise right now. If I start down that path I will do nothing but worry about it, I will sleep even less than I already do. It is not a possibility. It would be too absurdly ironic: survive a suicide attempt only to be diagnosed with a brain tumor just after being to Venice and realizing that life is beautiful after all! These things only happen in books.)
They had to give me an IV to insert dye into my veins. This upset me more than I thought it would. I should not be bothered by needles after having blood drawn 2-4 times a day for several straight weeks, but something about lying on my back with a hospital bracelet and an IV and a blanket that smelled of disinfectant made me panicky and teary. I could feel my face taking on the distinctly hospital expression: taught mouth, eyebrows frozen into anxious furrows; my eyes surely betraying the submissive fear that overtakes me, the dual resignment to and revulsion of being touched and poked and treated without a word of explanation. This nurse was kind to me: she held my hand for as long as she could until the machine drew me in too far for her to reach. The nurses are always so nice to me, but this time her kindness just upset me more: it reminded me of the nurses in Oakland, reminded me of my failure to ask for their names. They were so generous, so comforting, and I never learned their names. I like to think that I recorded my experience with faithful detail, but whenever I go back to hospitals I am haunted by the things I forgot to write down. I tried to notice as many details about this new scan as I could -- I will always regret, in a very small way, that I was too sick to notice the machinery and the procedure and the sensation of chest X-rays -- but I was afraid that I would move my head without thinking. My heart aches and a drowsy numbness dulls! my sense as though of hemlock I had drunk! I thought fiercely. I could see my face reflected in the glass band that covered the scanning machinery. It was widened, distorted, ghostly. I closed my eyes tightly and made sure to hold my head as stiffly as I could. Thou wast not born for death, immortal Bird!
Sometimes I think poetry is the only thing that preserves my sanity.
16.1: there will be more from me today, I guarantee it
One especially good thing about posting every day is that it forces me to keep a firmer handle on dates and time than I probably otherwise would in my current backwards insomniac existence. Unfortunately, I am painfully aware of how much time I am wasting. I really need to write the poetry essay that will finish my last incomplete from spring semester, something I am reminded of every time I type in the date at the top of these posts. It's really difficult to write papers without deadlines or structure. This should be easy!
There are two unfortunate reasons why this paper remains unfinished:
1. My mentor-teacher-surrogate mother is too nice and keeps giving me extensions
2. I suck and cannot impose structure on my days no matter how (admittedly feebly) I try
There are two unfortunate reasons why this paper remains unfinished:
1. My mentor-teacher-surrogate mother is too nice and keeps giving me extensions
2. I suck and cannot impose structure on my days no matter how (admittedly feebly) I try
Wednesday, November 15, 2006
15: tomorrow you may be eaten
I chose the bear for my NaBloPoMo button because recently I have developed a strong fondness for man-eating grizzlies. I think this is because I have such pleasant memories of watching Grizzly Man at two AM with one of my friends from school. Because the recreation room is spooky and dirty, we watched it in her room, on her computer, squeezed together on her bed with our heads close to the speakers to catch all of the dialogue. Her glasses kept sliding off and hitting the computer screen. I am not used to being close to other people, was especially uncomfortable then because that was before I lived through hospitalization and Europe, where one must accept being touched and being very close to other people because there simply is not any other choice. I remember worrying frantically that my feet stunk, or that my hair smelled unwashed, and I almost wished that my friends were not so diligent in preserving my status as a nonsmoker: if they had just given in and shared their cigarettes then I, too, could depend on the musk of stale smoke to protect from potentially stinky feet!
Lately, however, I am wondering if the bear was the wrong choice. I love the graphic itself, but I find myself consciously not looking at it whenever I view my blog because the words never fail to remind me of that song, you know the one I mean. I'm feeling a little paranoid that it might not actually exist because I can't find the name or band or lyrics on google, but it goes, "Here today, tomorrow you'll be gone," or something and it is really obnoxious. I used to feel neutral about it, but it played one night in my hostel in Nice. All of the American and Australian girls in the bar got really excited; they screamed and jumped up and down and waved their arms above their heads and shouted along with the chorus. In retrospect they might have been a little drunk. Anyway, the song immediately attached itself to my brain with leech-like adherence. I endured two straight days of constant looping of the chorus, since that is the only part I know. It really detracted from my enjoyment of southern France, which, I feel, I probably should have been much more passionately in love with than I actually was. I probably would have channeled Van Gogh and had a moment of incredible artistic inspiration in Arles if my mind hadn't droned "heeere today" whenever I let my guard down.
Maybe I should do away with a NaBlo badge altogether.
On another note, it is six AM, and not a "I just woke up and am raring to go" six AM. No, it's a "I haven't yet gone to sleep" six AM. Putting aside the long-term complications of suffering vicious insomnia, this would not be a problem if I did not have to actually be up and out today and tomorrow. Heaven help me.
Lately, however, I am wondering if the bear was the wrong choice. I love the graphic itself, but I find myself consciously not looking at it whenever I view my blog because the words never fail to remind me of that song, you know the one I mean. I'm feeling a little paranoid that it might not actually exist because I can't find the name or band or lyrics on google, but it goes, "Here today, tomorrow you'll be gone," or something and it is really obnoxious. I used to feel neutral about it, but it played one night in my hostel in Nice. All of the American and Australian girls in the bar got really excited; they screamed and jumped up and down and waved their arms above their heads and shouted along with the chorus. In retrospect they might have been a little drunk. Anyway, the song immediately attached itself to my brain with leech-like adherence. I endured two straight days of constant looping of the chorus, since that is the only part I know. It really detracted from my enjoyment of southern France, which, I feel, I probably should have been much more passionately in love with than I actually was. I probably would have channeled Van Gogh and had a moment of incredible artistic inspiration in Arles if my mind hadn't droned "heeere today" whenever I let my guard down.
Maybe I should do away with a NaBlo badge altogether.
On another note, it is six AM, and not a "I just woke up and am raring to go" six AM. No, it's a "I haven't yet gone to sleep" six AM. Putting aside the long-term complications of suffering vicious insomnia, this would not be a problem if I did not have to actually be up and out today and tomorrow. Heaven help me.
Tuesday, November 14, 2006
14: not building any fairy houses
On the rare days when we actually get together before eleven PM, my sole in-town friend and I like to go hang out in the few interesting stores and look at shiny things. We haven't got a proper bookstore in town, just a Hastings, where the book section is an afterthought to the movies and music and video games, but it has enough of a selection to keep us amused. (If by some miracle we are both up, dressed, and fed before 5 in the evening, we also like to go to the library together.)
Once we found an arts'n'crafts book featuring photos by someone who builds tiny, meticulous, perfectly in scale fairy houses. They are like doll houses, except made of rocks and acorns and flowers and leaves and shit. Impressive, beautifully photographed, but also very depressing to two people who consider the day a success if they make it outside before sunset. Can you imagine the work, the creativity, and the insanity that goes into building little houses out of perishable materials that will be sad and wilted come the next day?? Yeah, it's art, performance art of a sort, and art is always allowed to be improbable and useless and impossible. But we both consider ourselves to be creative people, and at that moment we were silenced by how comparatively feeble our artistic attempts are. "Not building any fairy houses" became instant euphemism for "all I did this week was sprawl in bed with the cats, drooling at the ceiling and admiring the play of light across the walls."
I just woke up and have not yet gotten out of bed. I am not building any fairy houses these days.
Once we found an arts'n'crafts book featuring photos by someone who builds tiny, meticulous, perfectly in scale fairy houses. They are like doll houses, except made of rocks and acorns and flowers and leaves and shit. Impressive, beautifully photographed, but also very depressing to two people who consider the day a success if they make it outside before sunset. Can you imagine the work, the creativity, and the insanity that goes into building little houses out of perishable materials that will be sad and wilted come the next day?? Yeah, it's art, performance art of a sort, and art is always allowed to be improbable and useless and impossible. But we both consider ourselves to be creative people, and at that moment we were silenced by how comparatively feeble our artistic attempts are. "Not building any fairy houses" became instant euphemism for "all I did this week was sprawl in bed with the cats, drooling at the ceiling and admiring the play of light across the walls."
I just woke up and have not yet gotten out of bed. I am not building any fairy houses these days.
Monday, November 13, 2006
13: on blogging
As a new blogger, I often think -- obsess, really -- about what my posts say about me, how I come across to strangers. What identity am I constructing with these posts? What if it's something I'm not, or do not want to be? Can I start over if I don't like the way things are shaping up? And by "things" I mean "me."
I am wary about sticking too closely to any theme. It's unfortunate, but the blogging world seems as divided as high school. You have your parenting blog, your cooking blogs, your book blogs, your celebrity gossip blogs, your link blogs, your knitting blogs. So far Tatterdemallion is looking like a book blog more than anything, and this bothers me. I mean, I read 50 Books, among others, religiously, but what if I want to write about knitting, cooking, learning to sew? Or my cats and my fish and my dog? Or the awesome chocolate chip cookies that I made this afternoon? Or my friends, my favourite teachers, my crushes? Or the movies I watched last night? Or the computer game I played until five in the morning? Or my sucky job? Or weather, hiking, travel? And what if I want to veer away from all of these fluffy topics of happy early-twenties existence and talk about something darker? What if I want to write about my little brother's potential drug habits and my own struggles with psychiatric drugs? What if I want to tell stories about bad psychiatrists and suicide attempts and mental hospitals? I've already deleted a post that I wrote about insomnia because it felt inappropriate sandwiched between pictures of Venice and babble about books. If I managed to get even a small readership, would I feel compelled to keep writing the kinds of posts that drew them originally?
I worry about readership. With a readership comes expectations, to a certain degree; it is almost a business agreement: you visit my blog, I provide you with the sort of material you enjoy. I don't like this, which makes me wonder why I am bothering to blog at all. Public writing is not something that can be done flippantly. I like the feeling of being able to post whatever the hell I want at any given moment, but the internet doesn't work like that. I'm aware of the dooce problem: I couldn't write here about how my parents have fucked me up even if I wanted to -- I am taking mild measures to keep my identity hidden, but I know that if anyone I know even tangentially came across this blog they would recognize me instantly. Full-disclosure is for private journals and notebooks only, and everyone who has a blog is, or should be, aware that anything posted on the internet has an intrinsic voyeuristic/exhibitionist quality. No matter how much I tell myself that I'm posting for myself, I know that I'm not. I'm social-phobic even on the internet, but I must still want to be read. Otherwise why do this?
I worry, I worry, I worry. I'll keep going with NaBloPoMo because I need more finished projects in my life, but I will worry.
I am wary about sticking too closely to any theme. It's unfortunate, but the blogging world seems as divided as high school. You have your parenting blog, your cooking blogs, your book blogs, your celebrity gossip blogs, your link blogs, your knitting blogs. So far Tatterdemallion is looking like a book blog more than anything, and this bothers me. I mean, I read 50 Books, among others, religiously, but what if I want to write about knitting, cooking, learning to sew? Or my cats and my fish and my dog? Or the awesome chocolate chip cookies that I made this afternoon? Or my friends, my favourite teachers, my crushes? Or the movies I watched last night? Or the computer game I played until five in the morning? Or my sucky job? Or weather, hiking, travel? And what if I want to veer away from all of these fluffy topics of happy early-twenties existence and talk about something darker? What if I want to write about my little brother's potential drug habits and my own struggles with psychiatric drugs? What if I want to tell stories about bad psychiatrists and suicide attempts and mental hospitals? I've already deleted a post that I wrote about insomnia because it felt inappropriate sandwiched between pictures of Venice and babble about books. If I managed to get even a small readership, would I feel compelled to keep writing the kinds of posts that drew them originally?
I worry about readership. With a readership comes expectations, to a certain degree; it is almost a business agreement: you visit my blog, I provide you with the sort of material you enjoy. I don't like this, which makes me wonder why I am bothering to blog at all. Public writing is not something that can be done flippantly. I like the feeling of being able to post whatever the hell I want at any given moment, but the internet doesn't work like that. I'm aware of the dooce problem: I couldn't write here about how my parents have fucked me up even if I wanted to -- I am taking mild measures to keep my identity hidden, but I know that if anyone I know even tangentially came across this blog they would recognize me instantly. Full-disclosure is for private journals and notebooks only, and everyone who has a blog is, or should be, aware that anything posted on the internet has an intrinsic voyeuristic/exhibitionist quality. No matter how much I tell myself that I'm posting for myself, I know that I'm not. I'm social-phobic even on the internet, but I must still want to be read. Otherwise why do this?
I worry, I worry, I worry. I'll keep going with NaBloPoMo because I need more finished projects in my life, but I will worry.
Sunday, November 12, 2006
12: measuring obsession
I want to count how many times I day I hug, poke, and kiss my cats in order to have an accurate gauge of how physically obsessed I am by them, but every time I start to count I become too self-conscious. The instant I begin my tally I wonder if I am holding back on kissing my white cat's baby-mouse ears just to make the number seem a little less insane. And then there's the problem of definitions. If I pick up the baby, spin her in a circle, and then kiss her nose three times, does that count as one act of affection or five? I'd get my younger brother to keep count if he could do it without actually spending all day in my presence. I need a mechanical ticker that would keep track for me. I suspect that this would be really useful information to have.
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